ghosts in the studio

“Why is it that some children cannot joyfully dive in (to creating art)? There are a myriad of reasons, I’m sure, but the most common one I have seen in children and adults alike, is that they have become limited by being self-conscious of their abilities.”  Barbara Coleman

I like to think of myself as a person who is unburdened by others’ opinions. But frequently notice that I really do care and this concern is injurious to any vestige of creativity…in art, in writing, public speaking (or whatever form creativity takes). It all becomes stiff and lifeless. 

Putting my stuff “out there” is an exercise in humility, not a product of narcissism and ,hopefully, not too much a product of naiveté. (It is risky to the ego, but I am discovering value in a dose of ego mortification).

 I have been experimenting with a series of self-portraits born out of several  years  of private journaling…..some  of the drawings are imbedded in those very personal pages and I am redoing them as stand-alone images. I was sharing some of these recent paintings with a friend. He looked at them quizzically and then looked at me and said, “What are they for?...they don't even look like you." What a blow.

Crap. I really do care. He’s right I really don’t know what they’re for. I didn’t know they had to be FOR something when I play with them.

So, I stopped for a few days and cowered in fear. But quickly I resolved that I like these impressions. They are fairly good drawings. More than anything, the idea came from a good place in me. A friend on Facebook said they "are how you see you"(thank you, Laura). Without freedom of interior confidence there is no fearless originality. So, I am going ahead…..free of the encumbrance of that voice.

Barbara Coleman writes of “ghosts in the studio.” She says that those ghosts include her teachers, critics, friends, husband, gallery owners, favorite artists. I think those ghosts are ubiquitous in a much wider world than the studio. They have an almost physical presence.  So much so that it tightens muscles, knots the stomach, and constipates that needed “flow”  that  Mihaly Csíkszentmihályi proposes as “completely focused motivation.”

But, when I really paint—when I am kicking it in, the ghosts are gone. I think there may be no other way to get them gone except by proceeding as if they are not there at all. (a small glass of Merlot really does help…several of my non-alcoholic artist friends are firm believers in this)

I am proceeding with more of these (and other) drawings. I don’t know what they are for and am moving gradually to a place where it really does not matter at all….

I am going to start a new page "self-portraits" some time this coming week..